Decisions
by Simone
Summary: Angel POV of "The Yoko Factor"


Decisions  
by Simone 

EMAIL: sgavino@gbl.com.br / claddagh@angel.vg   
SITE: www.geocities.com/abloving   
DISTRIBUITION: Just let me know if you want it.  
SUMMARY: Angel POV of "The Yoko Factor"  
RATING: PG-13, I guess.  
ARCHIVE: My site and if you like if, pls drop me a line.  
FEEDBACK: Yes... I need it.  
DISCLAIMER: The characters and universe herein are the property of Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar, and Kuzui Productions. This piece of fan-written fiction means no infringement upon any copyrights.  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I never wrote in Angel POV, but I decided to give it a try. I think that sometimes he's funny, or tries to be, so here you have it.  
Second Note: Lyrics are from "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash

****************************  
Decisions

Angel was surrounded by Commandos and was fighting easily as in the middle of the fight he heard someone shouting at him and reacted instinctually. He knew the man:  
  
"Riley Finn" Angel could hear his own voice sounding rather dangerous.  
  
"Do I know you?" Asked the other man.  
  
With a taunted smile, Angel answered:  
  
"We have a common friend." Angel looked at the Commandos all lying in the floor and asked. "Was this reception your idea?"  
  
Riley looked very angry as he spoke:  
  
"As far as I know, you are pacific now. You didn't by any chance go and lose that pesky soul did you?"  
  
"Don't push me, boy."   
  
Boy... it was really good to call this man a boy. It made Angel feel bigger and wiser, as if Buffy would never have chosen Riley instead of him. He turned his back on Riley and started to move away. But Riley was not happy with his attitude:  
  
"Where do you think you're going?"  
  
"Visit an old girlfriend." Angel spotted the Commando and added. "Do you think you can stop me?"  
  
He saw as Riley filled his chest with air and answered:  
  
"I think I can."  
  
And Riley shot Angel with some weird gun that spread waves of shocks all over his body.  
With a fast move Angel got to Riley and hit him in the chest throwing him against the wall, and as the man started to rise Angel hit him again and again. He could not explain, but hitting this boy was making him feel better, as if he was preparing himself to meet Buffy again.   
  
After their last meeting, considering the fact that Faith had been around and the things they said to each other, Angel doubted that she was willing to see him again so soon. But he just had to meet her, he had to look in her eyes and be sure that she didn't hate him at all. In fact, he wanted to look in her eyes and be able to see that she still loved him. To see that they still shared the old sweet bound of their own. Her blood running in his body.  


**Darling you gotta let me know  
Should I stay or should I go?  
If you say that you are mine  
I'll be here 'til the end of time  
So you got to let me know  
Should I stay or should I go? **  


Suddenly they heard the Army cars coming and as the man ran away from him, Angel took his way to Buffy´s dorm, not wanting to spend any more time in Sunnydale without seeing her. He walked through the dark streets, and as he went deeper into the city, his mind wandered through his whole story with Buffy.

**Always tease tease tease  
Siempre coqetiando y enganyando**

  
He remembered the whole situation of their love affair, and just came to his mind that this was the second time that she said she was seeing someone new, someone that she could trust and count on. First time was that Scott Hope, right when he came back from Hell, and now Riley Finn. Back to Hell.

**You're happy when I'm on my knees  
Me arrodilla y estas feliz**

  
Even knowing that this was not true, Angel could not help but wonder if Buffy was not happier when he was the aggressive animal that came back from Hell and had to be kept in manacles. Maybe she had enjoyed it... her pet, under control. Hungry and craving for her body in a luxurious and tainted way.

**One day is fine, next is black  
Un dias bien el otro negro**  


With Faith it was basically the same thing. Buffy asked him to play Angelus for Faith, in order to win the mayor's confidence. He did exactly what she asked him for, and right after she said that she needed some time to think about the whole situation.   
  
"Goddamned... I did only what she told me to do! Playing Angelus so her plan would come out right. Fitting myself in that whole evil situation!" he thought. The sky was bright and Angel stopped for a while to look up at the full moon. Silver light bathing him. How could he love a woman that had hurt him so much? How could he not forget making love to her, stripping her clothes full of the scent left by the rain?  
  
He still could remember the words they said to each other at the night when he and Faith held her prisoner . Buffy looked so helpless in those manacles that Angel wanted to weep and cry her name until his throat bleed:  
  
"How you doing?" Angel asked.  
  
"Been better." She answered.  
  
He sighed:   
  
"Not hard to believe. You were a real soldier last night Buffy."  
  
"That's me, one of the troops." He could see that sad smile of hers crossing her face.  
"Look, I know how hard it was for you."  
  
"I really doubt that."  
  
"If there is anything I can do that make it better."  
  
"Look, I know you only did what I asked, and we got what we wanted."  
  
"I never wanted it to go that far." He assured her.  
  
"I know that. It's not even a question of that. It's just.. after... I need a little bit of a break.. please." These words cut him inside, but he had to give a last try.  
  
"You still my girl?"  
  
"Always.." she answered, and walked away.  


**So if you want me off your back  
Al rededar en tu espalda  
Well come on and let me know  
Me tienes que desir  
Should I Stay or should I go?  
Me debo ir o que darme**

  
Now he was back, coming after her to tell her that his dead heart was always going to be hers only. Maybe she was not that eager to hear this at this very moment, but once in his life he had to do exactly what his heart demanded, and forget about this let's-stay-away thing. "If she doesn't want me here, she'll have to say, and I'll come back to my hollow life in L.A.

**Should I stay or should I go now?  
Should I stay or should I go now?**

  
It had taken him just 10 minutes to find Stevenson Hall. He walked to Buffy's dorm and knocked on the door. Once again, he wished he was human, so he could take a look at a mirror and see if his hair was okay, if he was too pale, if...   
  
"Angel..."  
  
"Shit," he thought. "Once again I have this far-away look in my face when I meet her. No wonder she keeps saying she can't trust me." He leaned forward:  
  
"Hey. Can I come in?" Stupid, he though, stupid sentence.  
  
She looked a little doubtful but said:   
  
"I guess."  
  
Trying to stay calm he let his mind wander: "I guess it is not enough, Buffy... I need more, I need you. Take me in your arms and say you'll love me forever." But out loud he just said:   
  
"Need a little more than that, Buffy."  
  
She looked somewhat surprised:   
  
"Oh. Come in. You hurt?"   
  
Same old girl. She still loves me.   
  
"I'll live." He answered. For himself the sentence had another meaning: "But if you touche me... I would gratefully die."  
  
"Want to tell me who ran you into that doorknob?" He could see that she was almost smiling at him.  


**If I go there will be trouble  
An' if I stay it will be double**

"Not really. It's not world in peril stuff."  
  
She frowned. Her face was letting him see all the bitterness that lived inside her now. Her eyes were glowing, tears ready to fall at any minute.  
  
" Let me guess. You thought of something else really hurtful to say and it was just too good to do it over the phone. 'Cause the funniest part is the look on my face -"  


**So come on and let me know**  


"Ops... quick defense" he thought.  
  
"Buffy, please. I don't have a lot of time." Wonderful idea... if he had not enough time for her, for whom would he had?  
  
" Why not? What's going - "  
  
Before she was able to finish the sentence, Riley got into the bedroom, like a knight in shining armor to save his damsel. And Angel had to hear his voice once again in the very same night. He talked directly to Angel:   
  
"I told you weren't coming near her. I meant it."   
  
Buffy stared at them in amazement. Never ever Angel had regret something as much as he was regretting had come to Sunnydale this night. When she finally spoke, he could tell she was barely controlling herself:   
  
"You've got to be kidding me." She glared at Angel. "This is why you came?"  
  
"No. It was an accident-" He tried to sound convincing.  
  
"Running your car into a tree is an accident. Running your fist into somebody's face is a plan. You wanna explain this to me?" She was looking straight at him. Wonderful hazel eyes shinning in anger and bewilderment. The only thing he wanted to explain to her was that he was a total fool. He turned to Riley that was holding a gun aimed to him:   
  
"Put that gun down."  
  
The younger man almost laugh at him:   
  
"It's pretty much all I got left, so I'm thinking not. He attacked four of my men, Buffy.   
He's up to his old tricks."  
  
Now, Angel could see that Buffy was almost despaired. Still looking like the though one, but he knew her too well. She was going to defend him... again. As she had always done. He could see that she was struggling within, trying to look calm.  


**If you don't want me, set me free  
Si no me quieres, librame  
Exactly who'm I'm supposed to be  
Diga me que tengo ser**  


"Oh... Riley - he's not. He isn't bad now. He won't hurt anybody. Angel, tell him... " She was almost begging, and for just one second Angel wished he could be both himself and his demon. Kill Riley and take Buffy away with him forever. Instead he just said to the boy:  
  
"Might hurt you."  
  
"Please try." Riley tried to look brave. Angel knew that any man would have tried to look brave for Buffy. He did the same:   
  
"Some threat. You can barely stand."   
  
"Trigger finger feels okay." Riley answered.  
  
He could not keep his mouth shut, and before he noticed he had already asked her:   
  
"You actually sleep with this guy? "  


**This indecision's bugging me  
Esta undecision me molesta   
Don't you know which clothes even fit me?  
¿Saves que robas me queurda?  
She was embarrased, and angry.**  


"Stop it!" Buffy shouted, and hit both men. Angel heard Riley moan exactly as himself.  
  
"Ow! "  
  
Brave enough to deal with the situation, Buffy continued:   
  
"That's enough! I see any more displays of testosterone poisoning, I will personally put   
you both in the hospital. Anybody think I'm exaggerating?"  
  
She was wonderful, and Angel knew that he wanted her to exaggerate, to overreact, to be his Buffy, and not a paler version of the girl he used to know. Not Riley's Buffy.  
  
"He started it - " Angel said.  
  
She looked at the boy: "Riley..."  
  
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to know you were safe." He apologized.   
  
She smiled tenderly at him, and Angel wanted to take Riley's eyes out of his head. He was not supposed to see her smile. Her smile was for him only. He breathed. He didn't know why, but still he breathed.  
  
"I need to talk to Angel for a minute." She said.   
  
"What?" Riley almost screamed.  
  
"Riley, please."  
  
"I'm not leaving this room. I mean it." He crossed his arms over his chest.   
  
"Okay."  
  
She simply turns to the door and walks out. Angel follows, giving Riley a smirk. They're one, they will always be. And Angel could hear Riley speaking to himself inside the room.  
  
"Not moving a muscle..."  
  
*************  


**If I go there will be trouble  
An' if I stay it will be double  
So come on and let me know**  


Outside the room Angel tried to find the right words to explain he whole situation, but as always Buffy started to talk before he could even blink.  
  
"Okay. I come to see you, to help you and you treat me like I'm just... your ex-"  
He feels embarrassed: "Well, technically -"  
  
She shouts: "Shut up" Angel clams up. "Then you order me out of your city - and then you come here and start pounding on my boyfriend?! What is this? I'd really like to know: What the hell are you trying to do?"  
  
"Trying to get you back, stupid moron." Angel was not thinking straight. Thoughts of taking her into his arms and give an end to this whole situation were the only thing in his head right now. But as always he tried to stay calm:  
  
"I was trying to make things better."  
  
Buffy stares at him, not believing in his words. And Angel realizes how it sounded. They both get the absurdity of it, and they can't help but laugh. Angel got drunk with her laughter. How he had missed that sound. Nobody could laugh as his Buffy.  
  
"It's going pretty well, don't you think?" He asked her.  
  
"Swell. Although you might want to think about fire. Burning things - always effective."  
  
"I couldn't leave it like that. The way I spoke to you... I came to apologize. I had no right." Go on stupid, tell her you love her.  


**Come on and let me know  
Me tienes que desir  
Should I cool it or should I blow?  
¿Me debo ir o quedarme?**  


She asked :   


"I... and Riley?"  
  
"I got jumped by some soldiers. He came in in the middle. Wasn't real forthcoming with the benefit of the doubt." And I enjoyed to hit him, but she doesn't need to know.  
  
"Put yourself in his place." She told him.  
  
"I get it." He answered. "I'd rather die." He thought.  
  
Buffy was trying to find the right words, but he knew that it was not going to be the ones he longed to hear, or say to her.   
  
"Look, I... you weren't entirely wrong, what you said in L.A. We don't live in each other's worlds anymore. I can't just barge in on yours and make judgments." She said sadly.   
  
"I'm still sorry." Angel didn't seemed to find any other words than these.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"And next time I'll apologize by phone." He said, praying that she asked him to stay. The demon inside of him singing loud: "C'mon, lover... beg me to stay." He kept the demon locked inside. "Things seem pretty tense around here."  
  
She sighed:  
  
"They really are."  
  
"Anything I can do?"   
  
"Honestly, I think the best thing right now -"  
  
"Okay." He got the message, no chances left for him. As he started to walk always he heard Buffy saying:  
  
"It means a lot that you came."   
  
He smiled. "I came, I saw, I lost you." He turned to her once again. Her eyes were shining so lovely that he almost cried in a strange mix of joy and pain. Shinning for me, and me only, he thought. Ok, last chance to say something intelligent.  
  
"Oh. And... Riley?" he said.  
  
She smiled: "Yeah?"  
  
"I don't like him." Very clever... I don't like him instead of I love you. Age is getting to my bones.  
  
Still smiling Buffy said: "Thanks."  


**Should I stay or should I go now?  
If I go there will be trouble  
And if I stay it will be double  
So you gotta let me know  
Should I stay or should I go?**

Now he knew the answer. He had to go back to L.A., there was no place for him in her life now. Maybe someday, maybe she'll need him and call for his help. And he would come flying to help his Slayer. No other woman had ever knew a love like this and maybe even she does not know how much she is loved, he thought. He looked back once again, but she was not there anymore, certainly she had come in to check if soldier boy was alright. Poor boy, so in love but never loved.  
  
Angel smiled silently and shoving his hands into his duster's pockets headed to his car and back to L.A. He had all the eternity, he would wait for her.  
  
+The End+


End file.
